dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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