dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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