My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
