wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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