How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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