i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
