are you so shy because you have an std?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
