wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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