Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
