This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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