i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
