guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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