i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
