What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
