please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
