Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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