how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
