Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
