Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
