Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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