I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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