i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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