if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
