maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
