Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
