We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
