It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
