i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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