she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I party with great urgency now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
