Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
