I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
