Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize