So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
