Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
