LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
