Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
