I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
