So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
