SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
even my farts smell like vagina
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
