Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
