Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
