Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize