I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
