i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Bring me that man meat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
