final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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