Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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