Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
