whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
