I think i peed on brittanys purse
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
