The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
