I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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