Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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