The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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