I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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